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What anxiety is really like to live

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It does infuriate me when I hear people say that a lot of peoples' anxiety stems from not playing out side as kid, so they're 'nervous' in social situations. No sweet, that ain't true.

Anxiety is becoming an openly talked about subject, it's always been 'out there' however as a society we are all opening up and talking about our problems / feelings a lot more, which is great! 

However...


It does infuriate me when I hear people say that a lot of peoples' anxiety stems from not playing out side as kid, so they're 'nervous' in social situations. No sweet, that ain't true. I spent my childhood climbing trees and running around side, I'm still a tad loopy. I have also heard people insinuating that social anxiety could stem from social media, but for me personally it has zero input. I don't think it helps 

What's it's like to live with anxiety? I'll tell you. 

You wake up in the morning, your covers are soft around your body, your pillow is a dream, your boyfriend is led next to you... he's all warm, and soft but he goes in for a cuddle. You've just woken up, not quite with it yet, but he hooks his arm under your neck, and the other around your waist. He's spooning you, normally you'd think it's cute, warm, cosy or loving? Yet you feel trapped, you can't breath from his arm by your neck. The arm around your waist is like a restraint, you just want him to let go. You love him, you know he's never harm you or anything like that but you just feel trapped and panicked.

The only way out of this for me is to sit up bolt-right, my boyfriend mocks me because I do it in my sleep and he finds it annoying, but it's the only way out. Give me time and I'll come in to a cuddle, but when I'm surprised or I feel 'dragged in', my mind goes to shit. I can't handle it. Who'd have thought a cuddle was an issue?

Being cuddled is just one of the small things. When we do the cleaning my boyfriend will put on music, but he has his so loud, I hate it. It just hits me in the chest, the sound feels like it traps my ears, you can't get away from it, you can't hear yourself talk. When I go out to a club (It's been a while now) I can go for an hour or so then I just have to go outside, I find it so hard to explain but it's like the loud sounds smother my ears, and mind? Anxiety is bloody hard to actually talk / write about because it's a lot of feelings that not all of you will understand. 

Going out is something I find hard. I gave up on nights out, I felt uncomfortable and I'd rather be at home, or out for a meal instead. It's just going out-out that's hard. When I'm home on my own I will not leave the house. I hate it. I used to go clothes shopping on my own, to town, out for coffee, but now it's like I'm in a different world. If Ibs will come with me I have no worry in the world, or if I'm going somewhere to meet a friend I'm fine, but on my own I get so worked up.

But look at me now!!

I've going to the gym on my own, I nip down to Morrisons.. and I finally properly, enjoy a good night out again. 

All of this has only really come on within the last year or so, but I've kind of got it at bay, so I feel like I can talk about it, finally.  

Thanks for reading, 
Sophie 
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