My battle with food. Am I free?

March 04, 2018

Since 2015 I've struggled with food. 

When you say this 'statement' people expect you to have an eating disorder, or be extremely skinny which FYI that ain't true. I've had a unhealthy relationship with food for the past few years, I've lost weight, then ballooned, I'm at the ballooning stage right now I've decided the take control. 

I've always had an unhealthy attitude to food and my body, since I started college all I cared about was being skinny, I'm out of that frame of mind now but it does contribute sometimes. I think it really started when I met my boyfriend, he was a vegetarian, and after about a year I decided I'd give it ago. I love animals so much and it seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted to do it. Within the space of three years I've been an on/off vegetarian and it's been horrible, I kind of wish I'd never taken that step in the first place. But it sucks when you love animals. 

I would go through stages of watching all the videos of animals being killed etc and morally, it's wrong to eat meat. I know it is, there are alternatives, so why eat it? I'd go a few months or so without meat, then I'd crack. I hate Quorn, I highly dislike beans and when I don't have either of those I feel extremely light headed. When I was in my veggie stage I was never in the best mood because I felt unwell, and even people at my work noticed it. 

When I was eating meat I felt horrible too, I felt like failure, and like the worst person. I made the connection between the animal and the meat which most people don't so that makes it X10 worse. I remember when my boyfriend made us cottage pie, I was eating it and all I could think was that the beef was a muscle from a dead cow. It was just not pleasant. 

This cycle was going on and on, the only food I felt guilt free eating, and enjoyed was pizza. Update though, I'm diary intolerant. The only food I felt happy eating gave me extremely bad cramps and makes me feel sick. See where I'm going with this, food was not enjoyable. I basically felt sick whenever I ate food that didn't make me feel upset with eating. 

I was lead in bed, it was about a month ago and I decided to stop. Stop guilt eating, and stop making myself feel bad for eating the food which nourishes my body. I remember saying to my boyfriend 'I'm going to stop trying to be a vegetarian' and he was relieved. It's hard because I know the morals but I need to sort my mind out, and out myself first. I want to be happy with my body and with my mind. I also need to stop eating diary, because that's something I shouldn't eat. 

I use to watch Melanie Murphy on Youtube and she is right, Veganism is amazing but if you had a background of controlling food, it can be a bad thing because you're restricting yourself, which isn't healthy. I am all for Veganism and I think it's amazing that people can live like it, and be happy, sadly after three years I've given up. I hold my hands up it's weak, but I'm done. I want to stop dreading eating my dinner! 

It sounds weird, as all I've done is changed my mind set but I am so much happier! I enjoy making food, it doesn't cost me loads now! My bottom freezer draw is full of frozen mince and chicken so I won't be struggling near pay day either hopefully. I will still be eating lots of jacket potato and beans because I do love that.

I am just so relieved, and free so free with this mind set.

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  1. With sooo many types of diet now a days (and I mean ways to eat, not lose weight) it can be so hard to feel like whatever you do is right. I eat meat, veg and fish. I have no issues with any types of food but blimey does it feel like eating meat is the worst thing you can do... only because so many people online talk about it. If you look in the high street or the supermarket, no one is forcing veganism or vegetarians down your throat like the online world is. It's being influenced which can affect us. If we genuinely need to eat a balanced diet including fish, meat and veg then thats what we need to do to stay alive. Morals are great but staying alive is more important. I make sure that every few nights we have a veg laden meal, that way we're doing our bit, we're being healthy but we're not missing out. I know if I cut meat out of my diet I wouldn't get much protein or iron from anywhere else so I must keep it up. I think it's so important and so good that you've decided to do it for you and what's best for you! Well done! There's absolutely no shame in it!! xx

    1. I do think Veganism is amazing, and I wish I could do it, but it's just so unhealthy for me, for my mind. It does suck but that's what makes us, us, isn't it? Being individual to one another. Thank you for commenting!

  2. I’m glad you found a decision that makes you happy. You can always help your love of animals in other ways like using cruelty free products.

  3. It's so hard. This was really interesting to read. I've been struggling with food too since about 2016, I've always been focussed on being skinny but growing up and having a social life based around drinking and going out for meals made it so hard.

    1. It can be really hard! I think you need to think of the wider picture, will you look back in 10 years and be sad about not being 1 stone lighter? You won't :)