Life with anxiety

January 04, 2018

Anxiety is a common thing in this day and age, it's always been around however as a society we are all opening up and talking about our problems / feelings a lot more, which is great! This means people can get help, and we're able to deal with it a lot better on a whole.

It does infuriate me when I hear people say that a lot of peoples' anxiety stems from not playing out side as kid, so they're 'nervous' in social situations. No sweet, that ain't true. I spent my childhood climbing trees and running around side, I'm still a tad loopy. I have also heard people insinuating that social anxiety could stem from social media, but for me personally it has zero input. 

What's it's like to live with anxiety? I'll tell you. 

You wake up in the morning, your covers are soft around your body, your pillow is a dream, your boyfriend is led next to you... he's all warm, and soft but he goes in for a cuddle. You've just woken up, not quite with it yet, but he hooks his arm under your neck, and the other around your waist. He's spooning you, normally you'd think it's cute, warm, cosy or loving? Yet you feel trapped, you can't breath from his arm by your neck. The arm around your waist is like a restraint, you just want him to let go. You love him, you know he's never harm you or anything like that but you just feel trapped and panicked.

The only way out of this for me is to sit up bolt-right, my boyfriend mocks me because I do it in my sleep and he finds it annoying, but it's the only way out. Give me time and I'll come in to a cuddle, but when I'm surprised or I feel 'dragged in', my mind goes to shit. I can't handle it. Who'd have thought a cuddle was an issue?

Being cuddled is just one of the small things. When we do the cleaning my boyfriend will put on music, but he has his so loud, I hate it. It just hits me in the chest, the sound feels like it traps my ears, you can't get away from it, you can't hear yourself talk. When I go out to a club (It's been a while now) I can go for an hour or so then I just have to go outside, I find it so hard to explain but it's like the loud sounds smother my ears, and mind? Anxiety is bloody hard to actually talk / write about because it's a lot of feelings that not all of you will understand. 

When I'm in the kitchen and he takes my wrist / arm and pulls me towards him, just for a kiss or a hug it freaks me. I've never been like psychically abused or anything, it sounds like I have been and that's what sets me off but no, I hate feeling restrained or like I don't have control over myself. My partner is a lot stronger than me, that is one of the reasons I want to dabble my hand in weights at the gym. I would like the feeling that if anyone was bigger than be I'm not necessarily fucked you know? Ibrahim is a softy, he's never hurt anyone, but I think being strong would help ease my mind in any situation. 

Going out is something I find hard. I've given up on nights out, I've come to the conclusion It's not for me. I gave it a good go, but I feel out of place, uncomfortable and I'd rather be at home, or out for a meal instead. It's not just going out-out that's hard. When I'm home on my own I will not leave the house. I hate it. I used to go clothes shopping on my own, to town, out for coffee, but now it's like I'm in a different world. If Ibrahim will come with me I have no worry in the world, or if I'm going somewhere to meet a friend I'm fine, but on my own I get so worked up.
This is one of the reasons I want to go to the gym, alone. I want to conquer that fear, and the gym can become a place of habit, so hopefully that will help a lot. I do try and push myself, but sometimes I just can't get myself to go out. I'm typing this post New Years day, and I haven't left out Flat since Friday morning... it's now Monday. 

I don't want to explain to my friends about my issues. My best friends know that I would rather stay in, and they see how worked up I get about going out, but people who aren't that close to me.. I don't know if they'll get it. So I gave up drinking. I've never had an issue with it, but giving up drinking just solves it all really. It's a great excuse to not go places as well. I did find over Christmas I went out a lot, I went to two Christmas meals, and out work party. I did enjoy myself, but then had a melt down in the toilets at the Christmas party so that wasn't as good!

All of this has only really come on within the last year or so, but it happened fast and now It won't go. I would love to hear if you've gone / are going through the same thing and have any helpful tips, just to deal with everyday life! 

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  1. This post really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing such a personal story and for helping me, and others, feel less alone

    1. I'm so glad it helped :) I feel so alone sometimes, because no-one understands!